Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with ‘at least….’ says Dr. Brene Brown in this video.

Brown, a researcher and professor at the University of Houston, speaks here on the difference between empathy and sympathy, and why empathy connects us but sympathy creates distance.

We all search, at times, for the “right” thing to say when someone shares their vulnerability or pain with us. Sometimes there is nothing to say (reaching out to hold their hand or just nodding, “Ahhhh….” can be more than enough). But trying to find a silver lining (the “at least….” comment) never makes things better and can only create distance and anger on the part of the listener.

Dr. Brown says that in Texas, a common (sympathetic NOT empathetic) response to someone’s sadness or worry is “Bless your heart.” Her imagined antidote to that comment is a t-shirt emblazoned with this: “If you bless my heart, I’ll punch your face.” I can empathize with that sentiment, having heard many variants of “bless your heart” in my lifetime.